I quit my job as an elementary school teacher after only four months. I actually quit teaching one day mid-September, but I was encouraged to call in sick and my co-workers covered for me. To be clear, I wasn’t fired or forced out, I resigned on my own. I QUIT.
Realistic Expectations
It doesn’t matter if you it’s your first year, 15th year, or 30th year, teaching is hard. POINT. BLANK. PERIOD. However, first-year teachers face a unique set of challenges. Having your own classroom is totally different from working in an experienced teacher’s classroom environment. I was honest with myself and I knew my first year was not going to be a walk in the park. I wasn’t expecting my classroom to look Pinterest perfect or to become teacher of the year. But I wasn’t expecting the pure foolishness that I walked into.
Shocked and Unsupported
I’ve never seen anything like it. I had never been in a place where children didn’t have to take responsibility for their actions and teachers were blamed for everything. I got hit with a jump rope because I told a child they had modified recess. That child was right back in my classroom the next day jumping off of tables and trying to fight other students as if nothing happened. I’d get questioned about what I DID or DIDN’T do to cause the student to behave the way they did, right in front of my kids no less. So a child could throw crayons while I have students working in small groups and I get told that it’s my fault because their work was too hard, after being told that we need to up the rigor. I had students that would get up and play games on the desktop computers during the middle of my lessons. I was told that I needed to plan more engaging lessons, but on that day I was following the lessons provided by the school district to a T and I had differentiated text for my students to read. Anytime something happened, I was told to “just document it”. I’ve dealt with broken classroom windows, students slamming doors, frequent fights, and chairs being thrown. I can’t tell it all, but I could write a Harry Potter length book about what I experienced with my students alone during that time.
Constantly being blamed for things and being looked down on after putting my all into my classroom didn’t sit well with me. I was often told that because I was a first-year teacher, that my kids weren’t going to be learning anything. When your goal is to TEACH and no one around you confirms or supports that, it’s discouraging. There were multiple times where issues were brought up to me in front of others and it was embarrassing. I’m open to feedback, but constant criticism when you’re already down is like salt in the wound(s). A little affirmation goes a long way.
Throughout this four-month period, I did have the support of my friends, family, and my grade level team. I wouldn’t have made it without them.
Totally Consumed
I’ve always gone to school, as a student, a student-teacher, or a mentor. But for the first time in my 23 years of life, I felt like I was actually going to work and that wasn’t a good feeling. I would cry every day because I was miserable and I didn’t know what to do. I cried on my way to work, during my planning period (if I had one), after school, and when I got home. Anytime someone asked me how it was going, I would break down and cry. I wanted to say something positive, however, I couldn’t articulate anything. My team told me that I was not the same person they met during professional development week. It got to a point where I ended up on anxiety medication because I couldn’t sleep. I ended up losing 17 pounds because I couldn’t eat as a result of stress. I would worry about work 24/7. Whenever I took time for myself I felt guilty because I wasn’t lesson planning or doing something for my job. It’s hard to be effective at anything when you can’t even function. I felt bad because I would look at my students that really wanted to learn and I felt like I couldn’t help them because I was struggling.
Asking for Help
I reached out for help because I wanted to get myself together. However, once I enlisted help from district personnel, admin was no longer only unsupportive of my growth, but they were unsupportive and actively working against me. They sent others in my class to spy on me and my classroom and wanted those individuals to write reports up on what they observed. They wanted to say that I was the problem and have some justification as to why test scores were so low. Anything to take the pressure off of them and to keep their jobs safe. I’m sure there is a huge paper trail attached to my name. There is probably more documentation on me than students that have been at that school since kindergarten, if I’m being honest.
Y’all! I was a FIRST YEAR TEACHER, that was asking for help because I knew I needed it. I went to professional developments on my own because I wanted my students to be successful. I could have just went through the motions until May and not even tried just to get a paycheck. BUT I ASKED FOR HELP. It turned into a “them against me thing”. Their focus was on making me look incompetent, but my focus was ALWAYS bettering myself for my KIDS. If everyone is in the business of making themselves look good by putting others down, the kids ultimately suffer. If I’m busting my butt and others are just delegating, and not actively coaching or nurturing what I am doing well, how am I supposed to help my students flourish?
*SideNote: I didn’t go over anyone’s head when asking for help, I was simply using a resource.*
The Beginning of the End
The straw that broke my back was when I had my initial evaluation the day before Thanksgiving break. It was all negative. EVERY SINGLE THING. But none of it was even about my ability to teach. I didn’t have any classroom observations prior so my evaluation was general “faculty meeting” statements mixed with assumptions. I was told that since my class had the most discipline referrals and phone calls to the office, it meant I wasn’t planning engaging lessons and this in turn, promoted misbehavior. I was essentially told that I was setting my kids up for failure. To reiterate, I didn’t have a single classroom observation prior. Any possible concerns that I had were addressed and dismissed before I could even speak. I just sat there fighting back the tears, because I felt defenseless and the effort I was making wasn’t acknowledged. The little bit of hope that I had found in that situation was diminished at that moment.
Time to Think and a Difficult Decision
The three days after Thanksgiving break I missed school because I was at home sick. I had a lot of time to reflect. I noticed how relaxed and stress-free I was. Why was I continuing to go to a place that stressed me out, especially if I wasn’t doing anything right in the eyes of others? During my time, I prayed and I talked to God and I asked Him for guidance. I talked to my teaching association and a few other trusted people. After all of that, I decided that I wouldn’t return to my classroom in January. I was honest with everyone about my plans of not returning and submitted my letter of resignation (although it wasn’t accepted). Sure I could have just not shown up, but I didn’t want to create chaos for anybody. I wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible. I also wanted to be able to say goodbye to my students, even after I was told not to tell my kids that I wasn’t coming back. Closure was important to me.
Quitting my job wasn’t an easy decision. I really did love my kids and I didn’t want them to think that I was giving up on them. Not only that, but I live alone and I pay 95% of my bills. I didn’t have another job lined up before I walked away. After I made my decision, I had a sense of peace come over me. I placed it all in God’s hands and I still believe that everything will work out for me.
Life is Short
This experience taught me that life is entirely too short to spend it doing something that doesn’t make me happy. Of course, I have to do things that I don’t like (paying bills, pumping gas, filing taxes), but I shouldn’t stay in situations that are detrimental to my mental and emotional well-being. In this case, the teaching profession wasn’t the issue, the environment in which I was “trying” to teach in was. NO ONE WAS HAPPY AT THAT SCHOOL. The teachers didn’t want to be there and the kids didn’t want to be there either. We were just expected to deal with all that was being thrown at us and take the blame for kids being two and three grade levels behind in reading. I just couldn’t buy the crap they were trying to sell me because I knew I deserved better. I wasn’t myself in that environment. I had lost my glow, my positive attitude, and my tenacity. The second I could no longer be Kymmie, I knew it was time for me to exit stage left.
Moving Forward
My dream of being a teacher isn’t crushed. I don’t think I’ll be returning to the classroom anytime soon, mainly because I’ll probably lose my license from breach of contract. However, I KNOW I CAN TEACH and no one will ever be able to take away the gift that GOD has given to me. But I have a feeling I won’t be teaching in a traditional sense. *inserts thinking emoji*
-Kymmie
A Former First Year Teacher
Update: I’m now a certified career coach serving 8 middle schools and the owner of Glitter, Glue, and Goals.
Download a free copy of my Find Your Glitter Workbook.
Find me on Clubhouse @KymmieCartledge