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  • Relationships
    BY:

    No, I won’t check on my strong friends.

    Posted On 06/17/2018

    In the days following the passing of fashion designer Kate Spade and chef Anthony Bourdain the “check on your strong friends” posts have resurfaced across social media platforms. While the intentions of these posts are meant for good, I don’t agree with the concept of having “strong friends”. It’s amazing to me how we’re suddenly so laser-focused on checking on our strong friends, but I can guarantee most don’t ever take the time to check on their weak friends either.

    From what I gather, the strong friend is the person that serves as a listening ear but rarely discloses their personal battles. The strong friend also seems to handle tough situations without batting an eye.  Truth is, we’re all strong in someone’s eyes, but none of us are as strong as we appear.

    It’s easy to say you never know what someone else is going through, but how often do you stop and actively listen to someone else’s story and not judge them for it? We talk about the importance of self-care and mental health, but we want people to suck it up and deal at the same time. We’re quick to label someone as depressed (a word we use too freely) for going through a rough patch. We’re even quicker to call someone ungrateful for even mentioning a slight blemish in their seemingly picture-perfect lifestyle. When someone opens up to us, do we validate their feelings or dismiss them? We glorify being strong and then we are confused when people aren’t willing to openly talk about their struggles.

    The adjectives strong and weak should be used to describe an acid or an odor, not a person’s level of comfortability with sharing their true feelings or the frequency at which they do so. It’s not up to us to determine which of our friends are strong and which of our friends are not. It’s not for us to sort out the real problems vs the not so real problems. It’s not for us to criticize someone for how much they cry or don’t cry. It’s not our place to force someone to share their truth. It’s not about living up to society’s definition of what it means to be strong, it’s about having the ability to get through whatever life throws at us.  At times, we need someone to help us move from one point to the next and at times we need to help someone else.

    SideNote: If you always feel like you’re obligated to be the strong friend, you may need to reevaluate your friendships.       

    Don’t just check on your strong friend, check on your friend who is visibly struggling.  Check on your married friend. Check on your divorced friend. Check on your single friend. Check on your friend who moved to a new city. Check on your friend who posts everything for the world to see. Check on your friend who only likes everyone else’s posts. Check on your friend who just lost a loved one. Check on your friend who lost a loved one a few months ago. Check on your friend who is a business owner. Check on your friend who started a new job. Check on your friend in school. Check on your friends that have children. Check on your friends regularly.

    So, NO, I won’t be checking on my strong friends. I’m choosing to genuinely and actively be there for my friends because simply checking on them whenever the wind blows isn’t always enough.

    -Kymmie

    PS: Make sure you check on yourself too!

    Photo by Iz zy on Unsplash

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  • Relationships
    BY:

    Dear Single People, It’s Okay to Want a Relationship.

    Posted On 02/11/2018

    I’m a perpetually single woman. I’m almost 25 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship.  I’ve had a few 3 week (or less) boyfriends in high school, but I don’t count that. College would have been the perfect opportunity to date, but I went to a woman’s college and I never really did anything social outside of school. So my options were to date someone’s dad, someone’s brother or a professor; none of which were viable or smart options.

    Within the past 14 months,  I’ve started to actively date and I can say that my love life, or lack thereof, is a hot mess. One guy dumped me for another girl because he “really liked her”. One guy led me on and lied to me. One guy ghosted me TWICE. I’m currently dealing with the aftermath of being involved with a narcissist. Not to mention the few times I’ve sat at a restaurant waiting for a guy to show up. Only to realize after 30 minutes of unanswered text messages and a few missed calls that he wasn’t coming. Or the times I was hit with the “you’re great, but I’m not looking for a relationship” line.

    I see a lot of my friends boo’d and bae’d up and I can barely get a text/call back or a second date. With all of my unsuccessful attempts, it’s easy for me to start thinking “what’s wrong with me?” In fact, someone actually told me that I needed to reflect on my actions because apparently, I’m not doing something right. I’m all for honest self-reflection. Trust me, every time something in my life goes south, I think about what went wrong and how I contributed to the situation. What I realized is that the actions of the guys I’ve talked to or dated had nothing to do with me. Their actions were a reflection of their character, not mine. 

    —

    The worst part of being single is having to deal with the opinions and pressure of others. It’s annoying when I have a casual conversation or a friendship with a guy and everyone is trying to make us a couple. It’s also frustrating because I feel like I have to put up this “I don’t want or need a man” front or I have to prove that I’m happy with being single. Or I have to have some deep explanation as to why I’m single. FYI: I’m single because I don’t have a boyfriend. And the minute I say anything about being single, BAM, I instantly get one of these cliche responses:

    “The right person is out there, you just have to be patient”

    “You have to be comfortable being alone before you can be comfortable with being with someone else”

    “Just take this time to work on yourself” (Like do I stop working on myself when I get in a relationship? #AskingForAFriend)

    And my personal favorite:

    “You have to go through your bozos before you get to your Boaz”

    While all of that may be true to some extent, I’m tired of hearing it. We show support and compassion to people in a variety of situations. But SINGLE PEOPLE? We get ignored and classified as bitter, desperate, unhappy and lonely. No one really takes the time to listen to us our wants and desires, objectively.

    Being single doesn’t bother me. If it did, I’d still be chasing after guys that were no good for me. I’m a strong and independent woman and I have no problem with admitting that I WANT A RELATIONSHIP. That doesn’t mean I want a relationship with the next guy I meet or that I’m in a rush to get married. I don’t  want a relationship just to say I’m in a relationship and post pictures of my boyfriend an I all over social media. My life is pretty cool the way that it is. I’m simply looking for someone to compliment my life, not to complete it. 

    —

    In the age of swiping right, sliding in DMs, Netflix and chill, and every guy thinking he’s a good guy simply because he has a car, a job, and a house/apartment, dating sucks. At times, I feel like sitting at home for the rest of my life with my bonnet on and binge watch How I Met Your Mother because I feel like Ted Mosby understands me. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with the rejection, the lies and the disappointment that comes along with dating. Right?

    WRONG.Through all of my single woman struggles, I’m still a hopeless romantic. I’m still willing to get to know someone even though it might not turn into anything more. I’m willing to shoot my shot (oh how I hate that phrase), even though I might miss. I know that one day I’ll marry the man of my dreams and we will have beautiful children. Until then, I’ll continue living my life,  planning my wedding on Pinterest, and picking out baby names. 

    —

    My letter to single people

    Dear single people,
    You deserve to love and be loved.
    Having a desire for companionship doesn’t mean you’re lonely.
    Moving quickly from one person to the next doesn’t make you a hoe.
    Getting dumped or ghosted doesn’t mean you’re flawed.
    Having your feelings hurt doesn’t make you weak.
    Wanting a healthy and lasting relationship doesn’t mean you’re desperate.
    It just means you’re HUMAN!
    To all of the single people reading this, it’s okay to want a relationship.

    -Kymmie

    PS: Make it to Me by Sam Smith is the perfect song for single people! 

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  • Relationships Self Help Self Reflection
    BY:

    My Beef with the Word BUSY

    Posted On 08/27/2017
    “Kymmie, I didn’t ask because I figured you were busy.”
    “Kymmie, you’re really busy so you probably don’t have time.”
    “Kymmie, if you’re not too busy can you…”

    I hate the word busy. Aside from the word moist, busy is probably my least favorite word in the English language. Anytime someone uses the B word I cringe.

    By definition, busy means having a great deal to do. As an adult, there is ALWAYS something to do. Most of the time, my to-do list is non-negotiable (ie. going to work, grocery shopping, getting my car serviced). Other times, my to-do list consists of things that I like to do for fun (ie. blogging, binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy, scrolling through my Instagram feed). Although I’m always on the go, I don’t like to think of myself as being busy. I think of it as having priorities.

    As a teacher, we use the word “busy work” to indicate the worksheet packet we might give our students to keep them from bothering us. It usually has little to no instructional value. It is apparent that people think that the appearance of always having something to do or being “busy” makes them successful. I don’t find success in having a to-do list. In order for me to obtain my idea of success, I have to take advantage of meaningful opportunities to further my growth. As a result, I have to sacrifice spending time with people who are important me in order to accomplish my goals.  

    Over the past few years, I’ve lost plenty of “friendships” and “situationships” because I was deemed as unavailable, distant, or selfish. If I wasn’t dedicating every single moment of my life to those people in particular, then that meant I didn’t care about them.  Instead of expressing their concerns to me, those individuals made the decision to end the relationship for me. Even if I communicated my other priorities to them, it still didn’t matter.  What I’ve learned is that if someone doesn’t value my other priorities, then they don’t deserve to be a priority in the first place. I don’t expect people to plan their lives around me, so I don’t set that same expectation for others.

    My relationship with God is a priority. Blogging is a priority. Advancing in my career is a priority. Spending time with my family is a priority.  My personal development is a priority. Staying sane is a priority. Getting enough sleep is a priority. Maintaining healthy relationships is a priority. Making everyone else happy IS NOT a priority.  All of my priorities are important to me. The order of my priorities can change from month to month, week to week, or even day to day. I’ll admit, I don’t always order my priorities correctly, but I do my very best to give as much energy as I can to all of my priorities. As I develop, the way my priorities look have to develop also. I can do anything, but I can not do everything (at least not all at the same time). 

    I’m not busy, I’m employed. I’m not busy, I have a family. I’m not busy, I have a blog. I’m not busy, I’m at church. I’m not busy, I have friends. I’m not busy, I’m tired. I’m not busy, maybe I just want some time to myself. I’m not busy, I’m an adult.

    I’m not busy, but I do have priorities.

    -Kymmie

    PS: If we’re all busy, is anyone really busy?

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  • Relationships
    BY:

    Heart Hickeys- Why I No Longer Have A Broken Heart

    Posted On 02/26/2017

    So we’re gonna talk about hickeys. (It’s not what you think)

    Webster (the dictionary) says a hickey is a mark caused by a lover biting or sucking the skin. I like to think that hickeys are a visible representation of the love that you and someone share. Even when that person isn’t there, the hickey is a reminder of that moment you shared with that special person. After some research, I found that the most common way to get rid of a hickey is to rub ice on it. Some people may want to get rid of it immediately, while others might just let it naturally go away. It’s kind of like a temporary tattoo.

    I’m not really big on dating because it usually ends up with me getting my feelings hurt. However, I recently decided to give this guy the time of day. It wasn’t perfect, but I really did invest as much as I could into whatever it was that we had. I didn’t drop everything I was going to spend every moment with him. To him, that meant I wasn’t invested enough. I guess he wanted to play house, but the idea of playing house with someone I’d only known for a few months wasn’t okay with me.

    One day this dude sent me a text telling me that he could no longer see me because he was busy trying to pursue someone else. (I think it’s important for me to mention that this was also my last day as a teacher so I was dealing with a lot of emotions that day already.) He had the nerve to tell me that I was pushing him away, but I would text him every day and I would try to talk to him on the phone. I was angry, hurt, and totally caught off guard by it. After it was over, I would pick up my phone to try to call him because I wanted to share whatever good news I had with him, but then I remembered that I deleted his number. That feeling lasted for a few weeks, but it passed. I’ve moved on, not to another person, but I moved into a new season in my life. If I’m being honest, he wouldn’t fit into my current state of life anyways. Funny enough, he actually sent me a text the other day and I felt no need to engage in conversation with him. Sure the idea of punching him in his kneecaps crosses my mind sometimes, but I let it go.

    So what does that have to do with hickeys? I’m getting to that, I promise.

    I think it’s safe to say we’ve all experienced a failed relationship at some point in our lives. A relationship we thought would last forever, but it ended. Even though the relationship ended, the love you had for that person lingered. After experiencing heartbreak, I notice a lot of people tend to ice their hearts so they can prove that we aren’t bothered by the fact that we’re hurt by the end of a relationship. We blast Beyoncé or Adele (and if they cheated we, throw in a little Carrie Underwood or Jazmine Sullivan) and we make those songs our anthem even though deep down we still wish we were still with that person. We put up a good front, at least I know I do. However, as each day passes, our memory of them fades away naturally. The rate at which it fades is different for everybody.

    I no longer experience heartbreaks, I experience heart hickeys. At some point, my heart enjoyed the process of getting the hickeys. When the fun was over, they were gone, but I still took the memories of them with me everywhere. At some point, my memories of that person were no longer there and it’s almost as if they never existed. My heart was beating exactly the same as it was before.

    Your heartbreak isn’t a tattoo or a scar. The feeling will go away and the memories will fade away.

     Just like a hickey.

    -Kymmie

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  • Relationships
    BY:

    Don’t Be a Good Guy. Just Be Yourself.

    Posted On 02/19/2017

    Him: I’m a good guy.

    Me: What makes you a good guy?

    Him: I have my own place, car, and a decent job.

    Me: That doesn’t make you a good guy. That makes you an adult.

    YES, this is an actual conversation I’ve had with a guy before. Needless to say we didn’t work out.

    Now y’all are probably thinking… “THAT’S WHY SHE’S SINGLE”. Y’all are probably right. But WHY should I have felt more attracted to him simply because of what he had? I wasn’t moving in with him, I wasn’t driving his car, and I couldn’t go to work with him; so what does that really add to my life? Don’t get me wrong, I think a guy that is doing well for himself is GREAT and I will ALWAYS acknowledge that. But I don’t feel that a guy’s value should be placed in that. What if he lost his job, car, or his place? Would he no longer consider himself a good guy?

    Truth is, most of us like to think that we are the ideal catch (myself included). Then we get in our feelings when people aren’t interested in us. Rejection doesn’t feel good, trust me, I know. But have you dated everyone that has ever approached you in a romantic manner? NO, you haven’t, and neither have I.

    Sure it’s frustrating when someone that you are interested in doesn’t notice how awesome you are. We feel like we have to talk ourselves up to get someone to give us the time of day. But think about this. We all have different wants and needs when it comes to relationships. Some of us know what we want, while others aren’t really sure. Maybe you aren’t what a person needs. Maybe you are what someone needs, but they don’t realize it. It’s okay either way. At the end of the day, there is somebody for everybody. Believe that.

    I promise, you’d rather attract the right person being yourself, than attract the wrong person trying to be something you’re not. You shouldn’t feel the need to compete for attention that someone isn’t willingly giving you. You don’t have to check boxes or meet certain societal criteria in order to be considered a “good catch”. If you are the best version of yourself by your own standard then that’s all that matters.  If someone isn’t attracted to you for who you are then they probably aren’t the person you need anyways.

    Don’t try to be a” good guy”. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Just be authentic and show me how amazing (or not amazing) you are and let me decide for myself.

    AND LADIES… don’t go out here trying to be a “good woman” either.

    But that’s a different post for a different day.

    -Kymmie

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